weekly comedy podcasts - subscribe

44. ‘The Incredible Crease’

Posted on: May 31st, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 2 Comments

Helena Bonham Carter CartoonMy friends, I must say a little something with regard to Sage’s attitude to the wonderful and sainted human being that is Steven Hawkins. Sage said (his words not mine) that Hawkins wants to be sent into space for his back problems and that he would be glad to see the back of him. He said that it would be good riddance to bad rubbish. When I offered to give Hawkins his chair back live in the show, Sage said that I should say it had been stolen by Dale Winton and Graham Norton as a prank! Well, that’s Sage… always pretends that he is a nice man in public but underneath he is a gross tormentor. He is the Inquisitor, the Witchfinder General.

Now if the truth be told, Hawkins has refused point blank to come on Sage’s show at any time in the future. What? You find it hard to believe that the man that is Sage Macorkadale is a two-faced type? Has one ball higher than the other as it were? Well… let me say that Hawkins is scared of Sage and it is said by Hawkins himself that Sage (for his own perverse pleasure) took him from his chair and gave him an illegal butt-waxing… the screams could be heard from the streets below. Not a pleasant sound on reflection. But, we were not privy to Sage’s hidden perverse nature…. you think you know people… poor Hawkins. You may well ask why Hawkins has not exposed Sage by now. I’ll tell thee; it’s blackmail, in its cruelest form. Sage has threatened to tell all about the torrid affair that Hawkins had with Helen Bonham-Carter (whose love for the oddballs of this World knows no bounds).

Now, just a little on Sergio Crease – the man from Scope. Scope, formerly known as the Spastic Society. Crease was, in the early days of Scope, a form filler. A simple crippled bureaucrat… the sort of entity that Ex-Mayor Ken Livingstone is always on the look out for. But Sergio avoided Livingstone for reasons that will become apparent at a later date. Sergio would help with any claims for the Scopers… I think I could have put that a little better but anyway… The Crease (as you may or may not know by now) was legless. He has no legs. They were taken from him when he was a youth, but that is another cruel twist of fate.

The Incredible CreaseThe fact is, Sergio Crease walks everywhere on his hands and those arms of his have become Hulkish. Yes, like a World Wrestling Federation Champion’s arms…very powerful indeed, but less retarded. His story is one of great sacrifice and pain… great sorrow and loneliness, and his story will be told in the fullness of time. Sergio Crease: a creature shunned by his father and his mother… and now by the host of the show, Sage Macorkadale. Sergio Crease could have been a European Champion arm wrestler, he had been inspired by Sylvester Stallone’s arm wrestling film (the name of it escapes me for now). But stabilization was the problem, for as he pinned his victims down, he would shoot up in the air in an uncontrolled fashion and so disqualification was the outcome. Sad but true. He tried many things for a degree of anchorage, even putting heavy weights in his pockets, but with his upper body strength he would still catapult himself ever upwards like a teenage erection. It was a problem, but due to racism and a form of animalism he was banned from entering the competition. This enraged the Crease and almost sent him mental. Which is when he decided to work for the Department of Social Security where he was sacked for urinating on the curtains and sniffing ladies bottoms – a gross exaggeration he said. At his tribunal it was put down to his height. This then led him forward and he found a home from home as he moved to Scope.

It turns out that Sage upset Sergio Crease when he mocked Crease’s hero and inspiration Douglas Bader (the famous WW2 fighter pilot who also suffered the indignity of having no legs). Sage found this to be humorous I must add. But I feel what really ‘fried the bacon in the mosque’ was when Sage admitted to being a benefit fraud himself and that Otis Van-strapon was going to help him diddle the forms like he had done for Kenneth Moore, the actor, who coincidently had played Douglas Bader in the film about the crippled pilot in ‘Reach For The Sky’. This is Sergio Crease’s favorite film of all time, he later admitted to me that he had seen the film 34 times and knew the dialogue word for word.

I feel Crease wanted to speak to Sage with regard to certain allegations in relation to benefit fraud and the mocking of spastics – especially that of Steven Hawkins. But the man (Macorkadale) refused to see Crease while we were on air and this, I feel, is when Sergio finally cracked. Sadly, Winston the back room boy, felt the full force of Sergio Crease’s temper and vitriolic rage. The Police were called and the cover ups began. Sage had taken things too far and that is when I gave Sergio a pair of Olympic standard Cheetahs (Bouncy leggy things for sprinting ). I feel it was this moment in the life and times of the man that is Sergio Crease that changed him forever… like Batman seeing his family murdered in front of his own eyes or Peter Parker being bitten by a spider. I felt the Crease had some sort of an epiphany of this kind. As I watched him bounce into the police van, cuffed but lucid in his bouncing movements, I feel that this was to be the beginning of a new cripple super hero. A bouncing balloon of terror… a cripple boy wonder with limited attack… a physically challenged ball of steel… SERGIO CREASE: THE SUPER CRIPPLE WAS BORN… And he would not rest until every building in London had wheelchair access. He would not rest until words like ‘cripple’ and ‘spastic’ were outlawed forever. He would not rest until all men and women could walk down the street with twisted limbs, a stutter and a twitch, without being pilloried by so called ‘ordinary’ society. Sergio Crease: a hero in the book of heroes, a crippled sensation, a bouncing man of the people.

Be Sociable, Share!


2 Responses

  1. Big Bird says:

    Sir, the name of the Stallone masterwork is ‘Reach for the Sky’. As a callow youth, I took a girl to see it on our first date… I failed to cop a feel… and didn’t get a second date

  2. cardsharing says:

    Your radio show kicks ass dude. Was listening the other day driving back from work.

Leave a Reply