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19. The Goochie Incident

Posted on: January 20th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

Moving on to the final interviews of this second series. It can be heard that Sage was asked to apologise to the Asian listeners… For I, apparently with no malice or hate, used a word that I shouldn’t have done. Words are words to me and I have never really been too concerned about upsetting people with them. But it turns out that according to Sage I upset people all the time. Well, this seems strange to me, I treat everybody the same I don’t discriminate, I never did and I never do. I find life amusing, especially the truth. I don’t mean to cause offence but its my up bringing that teaches me to.

Call a spade a spade and just because you’re better at cricket than I, It doesn’t mean I look down at you. I respect you for that fact. And truth be told, I like the challenge. But to call me racist is so ridiculous its funny. I maybe a little insensitive at times but that was how I was raised. Not to take offence at silliness and to keep on keeping on.

Enough of this self justification and self pity and nonsense-I know who I am and If you don’t like it lump it. As the CIA used to say to lefties… Bollocks. And I’m not a fan of the CIA before you jump down my throat. I know they are bastads. Look at Chile, Norman 'Hitman' WisdomCuba and Bolivia, Palestine, Iraq, Iran, Vietnam and East Timor. The CIA are manipulating bastads, as are certain members of the US government and I find it hard to say but the British as well. But anyway… sod politics that’s for politicians… self righteous foolish men and women. Out of touch cretins. The point is; If I had my way it would be revolution. Kill a fascist, a Communist, a gross Republican and a Democrat but why waste bullets? All these people have a joining mentality. These people are different sides of the same enemy. They are bullies, sycophants, killers of liberty and truth and they want to control you. Unlike me who just wants a beer an a bugger…

Now if you have been listening to the Sage interviews with myself Colonel Crabtree-Smythe, you will remember the brief reference to Norman Wisdom and because it was so brief you may be confused as to what Norman was doing for ‘the Cottagers’, our vigilante collective. Well you will be very surprised and indeed shocked at these disclosures that I shall make at this juncture… but here goes… Norman was our hitman… Yes- Indeed. He would do the cleaning up for’ the Cottagers’… A Western Fatwa Enforcer no less. I mean who pushed Rod Hull off the roof. And who was it on that grassy knoll on that infamous day in Texas? And I pose the question: Whose cap is on the mantle in the J.Edger Hoover family residence? We may never know… The list is endless. I’m not saying Norman was responsible for these naughty infractions and I’m not saying he was not… I’m just saying…

GoochieAnd now just a brief word about my very good friend and wonderful cricketer Mohammad Azharruddin who now resides in a Nursing home in Deli. The fact of the matter is that he feels so strongly about insulting the great Graham Gooch on that fateful day at Lords in 1990… when he made reference to Gooch’s ‘syrup of figs’… his little hairpiece as it were. The aftermath of that series took its toll on many levels. Azharr can now be seen rocking in a chair in his nursing home repeating the words-“Got to avoid the follow on…Got to avoid the follow on. Thank God for Eddie Hemmings… shit bowler, shit bowler. Oh thank the Lord for Kapil Dev… Oh Graham Gooch… So sorry, so sorry” … And so on. Poor olde Azharr, I say. Let me just add that all food parcels should be sent to the Shilpa Shetty Foundation and residential home for olde cricketers, New Delhi House,Elephant Lane. All parcels will be given to Azharruddin and would be very much appreciated. They of course will be shared with the late but disgraced umpire Shakoor Rana`s son, who went insane after finding out that his late father had used the C-word on a cricket pitch.

Finally, I have heard as time has passed it is said that as Azharruddin has got older he has gone slightly bald and Gooch, being the true humanitarian that he is, has sent him a box of his olde wigs to soften the blow of Azharr hair loss…Oh! Kind hearts and coronets…

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