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11. The Osbornes

Posted on: January 20th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

Jack Osborne and Rick WallerI say this with a deep regret (yes, regret) that I have had a letter of complaint from Alan Sugar with regard my alleged attack on Sharon Osbourne. He, Alan that is, has threatened to pin me up on a cross unless I stop (as far as he is concerned) talking jive about the Jewish fraternity. His words not mine… I mean Sugar was never a great orator but once again I feel I have been misquoted. I have had not a jot of support from Mackorkadale at all. She, that is Sharon, has become reclusive and has refused to appear on Sage’s show… and her son Jack has started eating in excess again. He has taken to hideous binge eating with the famous binger and gluttonist Rick Waller and it would seem that they all blame me. I must now answer this foul slur on my character. The fact is; I said that she should take a holiday in Germany and pop into a prisoner of war camp for educational purposes… I mean Auschwitz is a wonderful day out these days, unlike it was when Himmler worked there. I mean you couldn’t get the “my friend went to Auschwitz and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” T shirt back then. It’s a lot more fun these days.

I must say I feel Sage to be a company man… he’s scared to have an opinion and I’m not sure that I can continue with our interviews in the long run. For I feel Sage sides with the Islamic fundamentalists and found the bombings in London were justified. I’m sure he agrees with the Palestine stance on wanting to wipe Israel off the face of the earth, which is nonsense… perhaps (for one can never be sure about anything theses days… I mean after all what would we do if we found out Israel was just one big paedophile ring. Then I may take up the Palestine stance). But anyway Sage then snubbed me and even scoffed when I told him of my days in a prisoner of war camp in Japan and how Otis Van-Strapon invented the art of miniaturisation… inspired of course by the great Harry Houdini.

Van-Strapon Now as you know my people, Sage is not a fan of Otis Van Strapon… he is a total non-believer (Sage that is), an infidel as it were. But the truth of the situation is…well it was to understand the inner workings of retarded extreme thought and thinking… and I was to take part in the experimentation in a big way.

Moving on; the Australians continued to give us a stuffing at Cricket and it hurt. I think it is due to the fact that they (The English) have been batting on hard drugs. It’s a shame that such fine sportsmen should self destruct is such a way. I mean what’s next buggery in the slips?

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