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96. Uncle Jesse’s Prairie

Posted on: November 18th, 2009 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 2 Comments

Hello and welcome back ladies, gentlemen, hermaphrodites, transsexuals, and any other freakish minoritiesjessejames that dwell in the alleyways of life or at least Olde Compton Street… And no I won’t be shaking your hand unless you have washed them thoroughly with alcohol hand hygiene gel. For I have become hysterical people, I don’t want pig flu or bird flu, or any flu come to think of it… I refuse to shake hands with strangers… I don’t know where your hands have been. Especially the Olde Compton street frequenters… Freak being the operative part in that word.

So. Like I was trying to say: here are my new memoirs and I would like to start by saying I was most upset by Sage for recently allowing Fay Featherlite to talent scout in our great city in my absence. I mean; to find a reprobate like ‘Thrash Cash’ in a King Cross lavatory and to take him back to our studio, well… my dears that in itself takes the Scotsman’s whiskey … That action in itself is bad enough but bringing the black shirt wearing country singing charlatan impostor into my place of work… well… all I can say is that ‘Thrash Cash’ left urine stains on the green room sofa and… yes dare I say it; sperm stains on Faye Featherlite’s brand new hoodie. And I know Faye was beside himself with emotion. I was livid on my return at such goings on, and worse than that the content of his song… well! I am disgusted, singing about limp-wristed cowboys I ask you, is that how Jessie James or Billy the Kid would want the Wild West remembered? I knew Uncle Jesse and he would shoot you on the spot for that unhealthy inference, shame on you Sage, can’t two adult males live together without the vile tedious slur of crossing over to the other side and talking in the ranks? Can’t men be men without these awful accusations of spit and shine… thus encouraging such persecution in your studio… Poor Featherlite I say… And let me finalise my point by saying that to all intents and purposes Thrash Cash’s song encouraged by Sage is without doubt a contradiction… gratifying and perpetuating the myth that all cowboys are homosexual, make you scream like a pig types in hats while banjos are enthusiastically plucked in the distance – while the said players wait their turn… It’s not on Sage and I know Clint Eastwood is absolutely incensed, infuriated, fuming in fact at your insensitivity towards the death of Heath Ledger and your stereotypical disdain for the great cowboys of America. Clint has been working his heavy bag ever since he heard the song and when he sees Sage Clint has said he will unleash hell upon our chat show host of trouble like he was Tito Ortiz and Sage was ken Shamrock. I hate to say it but it gets worse people…

I know it’s hard to swallow – like school liver and bacon – but Sage has been at it again, he was over the moon in the canteen when he heard of the release of the Lockerbie Bomber Al Megrahi and killer of 270 persons in 1988… Sage said that is was a great humanitarian act and showed Scottish sensitivity in times of peril… I was on that aeroplane Sage I will have you know… I was trying to stop the attack by hiding in a Spinning Sporran – but that’s when I was thrown out of the plane by a big olde Scotch chap whose name escapes me as I write these memoirs – I suppose senility dost creep my way – but I do remember the spinning Sporran saved me – more by luck than judgement… and it was then that I landed on poor little Jimmy Tarbuck jimmy-tarbuck-cartoonwho was holidaying by the Loch of Ness at that particular time with Cilla Black who had on her famed ten inch black strap on(Bobby would be proud)… I (as always) asked no questions and got on with my day…

But my point is this… I saw the devastation, the horror, the pain, the fear, the broken lives of the victims of the Muslimist Megrahi, and Sage showed genuine glee at the freeing of this man… But he Sage that is talks of humanitarian actions… I say balls to you Sage- I mean if you want to show forgiveness or kindness-compassion even to the murderer Megrahi give him a new prayer mat let the fucker pray for forgiveness or give him a new flat screen television and a new skinny Playstation 3 with a flight simulator game… I say release should have been out of the question but then I suppose who knows what really goes on with these Bilderbergers… Sage said I was being ridiculous and that everyone deserved forgiveness… I mean; let’s not get sidetracked here the truth is none of us really know why, who, or when… but I know that something is not right and that in the words of Chuck D there is a poison going on and yes… I shall be breaking into 10 Downing Street with my rubber nose and spanner and I shall interrogate Gordon Brown till I get some answers… I shall pinch Gordon many times with little nip pinches on his inner thighs I shall insert my index finger into his bottom I will make the fucker talk…Then I shall break into Scotland disguised as a sporran… I shall hunt down that self righteous spiv of a man Alex Salmond with rabbit traps and a paint ball gun… what an arse he is… I mean come to think of it… they are all ridiculous ludicrous farcical derisory senseless bullshitting cunts… but that’s just my humble opinion and I’m sticking to it regardless of what Ben Kingsley may say.

After all, they are all cut from the same cloth – Brown, Salmon, Gaddafi, Hitler, Cowell, and Megrahi even Hilary Clinton, and Sarah Palin are cut from the cloth of sadistic satanic enterprises… it’s the name of the new word order let me add… Sadistic Satanic Enterprises.

It’s got a ring to it… the receptionists love it – ‘Sadistic Satanic Enterprises how can I help you?’ But let’s not get bogged down in meagre details let me or at least allow me to elucidate with regard this cloth that I speak of…

I must say it’s a vile cloth a cloth coved in faeces, sick, lime green mucus, pus from the foot of a man in the final stages of trench foot and baby sick that has small traces of half digested muesli… so not to worry, the scum of the earth run the show, run the world and we sit back and do nothing… but then again they do have a cloth… but even so it seems on the surface we do zilch while business between the vile facilitators of evil run amok.

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2 Responses

  1. Brilliant post. I think it is official – you are nuts lol in a very funny way.

  2. I definitely agree, Simon Cowell is from kind of evil Satanic origins, so definitely deserves to be thrown in with the rest. As for Hilary Clinton, she’s just scary. I admire her in a ‘wouldn’t want to meet her in an alleyway’ kind of way.

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