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65. West Country Nutters

Posted on: December 14th, 2008 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 1 Comment

A few words of comfort to the wailing widow of my good friend and prolific smoker Sidney Fagsworth Ragwort. I must say, calling her the wailing widow does seem a little unfair but the true fact is it has been some time since the honourable Fagsworth puffed on his last ciggy and coughed up his last blood infested phlegmulous sample. But it all turned out well in the end. For, the gorgeous Philip Spector, my good friend at the time, heard the aforementioned wailing from his hotel window and thought it sounded very like that ‘bare footed harlot’ Joss Stone. This is Sages description of the Singer not mine. He called her a West Country Nutter. Not fair – I thought – to Jethro and his Country Cousins…

In truth Otis Van Strapon’s theories with regard the missing gene in certain elements of our society doesn’t hold much water when you think of the talent from Torquay… … …. ….. ……. ……….. ………… …………… …………. ………………

But I suppose then again, on second thoughts, Sue Barker is the only one I can think of at the moment, and she is hardly a braniac. But anyway, if you (my avid readers) can send me a list of West Country talent we may be able to disprove the Van Strapon theories once and for all and be able prove that people who live south and north of London do have thumbs and that it is not a  misnomer.

Now back to the wailing widow of Fagsworth Ragwort. I don’t think I have mentioned her name up to now. Yes, it is Jesse Fagsworth Ragwort (a non-smoker of course). Although she has been known to blow smoke rings out of her hidden orifice from time to time and goes by the stage name of Chow Chung Lew…. it is said (although I have not seen it myself) that she wows the olde boys at the Bernard Manning Establishment Club. Who said Manning`s Club was sexist? ‘Not I’ said she… as she did the rounds with a pint glass.

Moving on,  Jesse had married Sidney Fagsworth for a place in the upper echelons of society and with her being a lot younger than he – it was perfect. Yes, it would seem her talent for smoke rings was entertaining for she was a magnificent hostess… and I must emphasize that myself. For she was indeed quite something in the corridors of power. Even Prince Phillip was said to have been besotted and nearly started smoking himself!… But that is another story in itself…

Anyway enough of this background music my friends. This is all about saving the life of a wailing widow. So to cut a long story short- to cut to the chase as it were -  Dear Phil Spector cut her a break by secretly recording her ongoing wailings and the rest is history! Simon Cowell (the Devils pimple himself) put the said wailing to a musical piece by Rick Waller and the Pet Shop Boys. Of course a hit Record ensued and now Jesse Ragwort is wowing them and a wailing them all over the West Country.

They say she reminds them of their beloved Joss Stone and now it would appear that the maladjusted pairing of Jesse and Joss are to appear on the Graham Norton Show to perform a duet of ‘Smoke Rings in my mind’. It seems that the old fruit Norton is willing to have anyone on that particular lowest common denominator buster that he calls a show. I don’t say that the man Norton does not have talent, but it does make you wonder who chooses the format for that crass rubbish. So, like I say, Graham don’t be a people person because most people are as thick as the old Tiz-Waz junkies… in other words they find Lenny Henry to be funny and Chris Tarrant to be a genius. Enough said…

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One Response

  1. This post is poetic. Never thought i would encounter a blogger as such. Nice read, worth my time.

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