weekly comedy podcasts - subscribe

123. Whoops

Posted on: November 27th, 2010 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe No Comments

Sage has accused me of being a little verbose, longwinded, long drawn out, garrulous even loquacious at times and I resent this wholeheartedly to the point of wanting to fight the man. I want to embarrass him publicly, I want to show that us old age pensioners can still pack a punch, that we can still throw down, still dance a jig, that we can still hoe down last supper cartoonwith the best of them. I want to prove to Sage that I am still a quick draw, I’m no stereotype old fart like Burt Kwok and Russ Abbott in Last of the Summer Wine. I can still raise my old chap without the aid of a blue pill, yes, it may take a little longer than when I was in my thirties but with enough persuasion, tugging and pulling I can raise the roof. I am an active old duffer and I refuse to be belittled by a man who has a short fetish. That said, when I confronted Sage on this matter, on this subject; do you know what he said? He said “Whoops! “ He dropped his shoulder and said “whoops,” fathom that ladies and gentlemen, Sage is reading off Featherlite’s script, and it certainly stopped me in my tracks blew the wind out of my sails, cracked my egg. He then went on to say that “I should speak for myself,” he laughed and said “Whoops!” again and then started laughing in that sinister cruel way of his way he then said “ Your all the same, all mouth and no trousers, whoops dear boy.”

Whoops! What is that all about Sage? I think it’s demeaning of you to imply that all gays are whoops conscious and even worse; you think that I would respond to such a challenge?
I mean, you don’t see Peter Mandleson dropping his shoulder and saying whoops, and if he does, he does it in private. I mean there is talk in the House of Commons at least to say a few of the whips believe that our Prime Minister and his head boy are at it behind the scenes and that Samantha Cameron is no more than David’s beard – but privacy is the key. So Sage, keep your slangish homophobic terminology to yourself because as I have suggested this goes right into the heart of government… right to number 10 so be silent before people get hurt.

Moving on slightly but not really getting anywhere for i have to back track, I thought I had coved this but Sage wont let it go and as I have already suggested, Sage has once again implied that certain sections of the Islamic, Catholic and Christian communities have said that Hurricane Katrina was gods wrath against the gays in America and the Earthquake in Haiti was god’s punishment to the Haitians for being naughty are few years ago. So on and so forth. So the question was posed if god is punishing all these nations for sins against the creator, what is his issue with the predominantly Muslim, Pakistan? Why flood them? Perhaps god is a cricket fan and does not take to kindly to match fixing scandals, or maybe god doesn’t like the fact that Islam does not embrace Jesus as a god and has punished them as he sees fit, either way, it’s all bollocks, and allow me to add just to show how these people think” I recall that I was chatting to the Archbishop and he suggested that god was punishing the anti-theist Christopher Hitchens for not believing in him by giving him cancer he then laughed and made his way to the pulpit, “such nonsense” was my retort “we all have to die of something, and if that was the case what a redneck this god of yours sounds like, I bet when he was young this god would pull the wings off flies, that he would make people squeal like pigs and I would put down a wager to say that I bet that he would jump up and down if he did not get his own way.” Madness my dears utter foolishness.

Now I say there are perhaps, definitely maybe certain subjects that should be left unaired but Sage like the BBC and the tabloid press feel it’s healthy not to upset the Muslimists ridiculous beliefs, due to the fact that they are shit scared of being blown up, stoned or shouted at by nutters with placards, “down with freedom! Death to the infidel, Behead those who insult Islam,” I mean really these people are not frightening they are comical, pathetic, numbskulls like Sage Macorkadale himself. That’s the problem with religionists they want death, they want an end to the world, and on that premise we win they are already dead, “bring on Armageddon!” they cry, “You are Armageddon!” I reply, “You are the walking dead!” My point is you don’t want to upset pure nutters but you can call ordinary people “dole cheats! And scroungers!” You can call white working class people scum, chavs, and laugh about it; oh you got a fair set of balls then.

Oh you mustn’t dig too deeply into the millionaire politician’s tax affairs don’t follow the money because then you might just unearth the real criminals of our planet. Enough of the expenses scandals, it hotline time forget the thieving politicians lets make the poor suffer because if we dig too deep, we would find that all politicians are as bent as a dirty old ten bob note and that Bilderberg is on the rise like Aslan. So let’s get poor people at each others throats it’s easy targets. Yes the powers that be they can now do what they want with ordinary folk, I say the pole tax riots were the last of the great protests because the people are so dumbed down now that they will all be at home watching the X-factor or Britain’s Got Talent. Although I have to say Dizzy Rascal and his team of talent spotters did unearth some real talent on their show “Must Be the Music” so full respect to the Rascal on that front. The point about all this is that, it really doesn’t matter, there is no point getting ones knickers in a twist, or getting angry, violent, vicious, or vengeful, things are the way they are because that is the way it is meant to be, and all you can do really is to be yourself, to have your own mind, your own thoughts and to give two fingers metaphorically to anything or anyone that takes you off the natural course. We are all clichés and stereotypes when we embrace the illusion, we play our part because that is what is meant to happen, but when you step back and reclaim what is yours that being your mind your soul, it all falls away, it no longer exists, because it is not real. So all you can be, is you against the backdrop of what is not real, you cant change the way things are, just as you cant stem the tide but you can change who you are, that is where your power lies don’t allow the cultural engineers to confuse and control you, so let go, see it for what it is. Yes, it is a comedy set in a lunatic asylum and from that starting point let the fun begin.Don’t give your soul away and that is the point as the great Chuck D once said “People don’t sell their souls anymore they give them away whereupon they are repackaged and sold back to them!” Damn we are stupid, come on people “lets get retarded!”

Before I go I would just like to finish on the subject of Paolo Flossy. Sage said that the painting that I was discussing on the show of the Last Supper by Paolo Flossy Leonardo Do Vinci’s top student was in reality an exceptional piece of art, authenticated in no small measure by that Australian nutter Rolf Harris. Sage also said that it was a true historical masterpiece depicting our savior as a “whoopsi” and that it was this painting that convinced the Muslims to disregard Jesus as a god because there could be no way that they could worship a “whoopsi”, Sages words not mine.

I say to you Sage that the picture was painted by the nutter Harris himself and proof can be found if you look hard, yes, if you notice in the bottom right corner of the piece there is a what appears to be a didgeridoo leaning up against the wall. So get your facts straight, Paolo Flossy is the name that Harris uses when he does children’s parties, he loves to sit them on his knee and give them a blow on his didgeridoo.

Colonel's signature

Be Sociable, Share!


Leave a Reply