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119. The Wrong End Of The Stick

Posted on: October 23rd, 2010 by Colonel Crabtree-Smythe 1 Comment

Hello Evelyn Waugh Cartoonmy dear friends, as the days pass into weeks and the weeks into months I grow tired of Sages constant stereo typing and putting down of lesser nations than ours. So first let’s get things straight. We, the fine United Kingdom of Britain, are in the common market and we need to act as if this is the case and not keep harping back to old wars and battles. We need to forget the Second World War and move on but Sage can’t and won’t in fact. I think he just straight up refuses to bury the hatchet … unless of course it is buried into a Germans spine.

Point is we are all in the markets together; we are heading to a new world order, with a world centralized government army and bank. We will all be forced to carry ID cards and then we will be chipped like dogs and homeless people and beaten for information… all this so they our great visionary leaders – the illuminati & the Bilderberg few can keep an eye on us and stop the Muslim terror.

What I’m getting at is that Sage should, well he jolly well should, make the best of it, and to antagonise our German counterparts in the way he does is outrageous and not cricket. Attacking Nazis and right wing policies is a thing of the past so I’m told… and we need to roll over like good dogs. We need to jump through the proverbial hoop without the whistle being blown like first-class little citizens as we march without a struggle to “The David Cameron Compassion Camps.” But Sage won’t have it. He verbally attacked our Kraut cousins mercilessly, but I have to say to be using that old deckchair chestnut is boring.

Accusing Fritz of having some sort of deckchair complex that is carried in their gene pool from way back when…Well as far back as when the Romans whipped their Germanic aryan Anglo Saxon arses. The fact of the matter is, we know that Fritz has never won a whole war, yes they can claim to have won plenty of battles and to have killed many millions and millions and millions and millions of men, women and children, but to say that a bayonet is the best thing for the arrogant Hun well, that’s is going too far even for Sage.

I mean, I myself was buggered senseless by a German tank commander in the last Great War, as some of you might know. I had been discovered by the German High Command whilst involved in an under cover operation… a sting of sorts, of top secrecy. I was forced to jump out of a third story window as my cover had been blown when I tried to rip Hitler’s moustache off his top lip thinking that it was a Charlie Chaplin comedy shop special… It was not… my cover was blown. Once I realized my error I made a break for it and landed on top of a big butch German Commanders tank, and being unconscious at the point of landing the buggerer took me inside his vehicle dressed me up like a German whore with pig tails and all, and had his way with me.

The point about all this is to say I hold no grudge against Von Burgomaster the vile rapist that he was and to my mind no doubt still is. I can forgive and almost forget, i say the water has past under the proverbial bridge and i only bring it up because Sage the antagonist continues to do so. Point being why should Sage have such a down on the krauts and why does he bring up my moment of violation at every turn? Does he find the thought of me whilst in unconscious state being slung around like a rag doll funny? Does he do it to whip up a frenzy of hate and scorn against the Hun? I mean how would he cope, how would he like it if he were chained to a big gun and ravished by a German tank commander with a pathetic penis while the strains of Lili Marleen by Marlene Dietrich could be heard in the background? I don’t decry the German nation so why should you Sage? I mean how stupid of him was it to say that the battle of the deck chair is not over and that the war will be won by our great inventors who along with the German turncoat Otis Van Strapon is working on an anti German deck chair as we speak.

Sage says that the spirit of “enigma” is not lost but it has gone under ground and that the winning of the deckchair wars is all that matters and is paramount to the future of all holiday goers, he then told me to “think of the children,” which I found to be a little suspect in a Popeish kind of way.
I don’t mean to pick on Sage but it seems that he has spent his last three years antagonizing me; does he do it on purpose? I am not entirely sure, but to say that my great friend Evelyn Waugh was a gay farter due to all his rear end pump action is inappropriate to say the least… On that particular moment in time… I mean to say – I only heard Evelyn fart once and it was no more than a little squeak.

So it has come to this, I will never confide in Sage again. To say that Evelyn had a loose anus and that is why he had a propensity for farting in good company is outrageous and has the ring of sexism about it. I had even heard Sage say to Faye Featherlite that my dear friend Evelyn Waugh was sexually out of control and that was why his farting was so random. First Sages decries Germans, and now great novelists, whatever next…? I suppose he’ll be saying that Alan Sugar is guilty of acting like a Catholic Priest with his new apprentice next, not on Sage, grow up!

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